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27 August 2015 @ 04:26 pm
I deserve it.
16 March 2015 @ 12:08 am
Okay, at times I have a very strange life. I have weird juxtapositions of circumstance that seem to make little sense on the surface. For example, tonight, I seem to have talked a friend through something possibly rather horrible. I think I may have just talked someone through either a roommate's drunken silliness or an attempted acquaintance rape. I stress attempted. Nothing happened, and apparently I overreacted, and so did she. A simple "This is making me uncomfortable and I want you to stop" was enough, and apparently she didn't think of that.
So, the conversation then turned on a dime to open relationships, BDSM and the fourth season of Archer.
22 February 2015 @ 02:06 am
And tomorrow I'm supposed to welcome the next generation of my family. Welcome, to you Davis, and I wish you well. I hope you suffer little and know great joy. I know your parents will do you well, and you join a great and noble house. One with a rich history, and one to which I owe much. You are indeed blessed. You are the first of this generation, and my cousin's first born. May you be happy and learn much. And may they all not task me with questions as to why I have no issue of my own. Of course, being English, none will say a word. Such would be rude, and no one wants that. So welcome Davis Edwards, and be glad that your name is not mine.
23 January 2015 @ 12:56 pm
I'm going to loose my cool for a moment.

Can we just fucking stop dying? Please?
16 November 2014 @ 01:46 am
I'm reading. I can't explain what this means to me, and I'm very sure that most of you who can read this will not quite get it, save one, who can see motion as I do the printed word.

I'm reaching back probably by more than a decade, and seeing the impact of the deal I made when I first took up a pencil to mark a student's paper. If I could read their mistakes, and help them to make it better, I would forgo the perfected printed word. I'd give up plodding through books for my own joy, if it helped them to become better writers. I'm sure that sounds very self satisfied, and like so much martyrdom. This is something that I don't talk about, and if not for tonight, I might go another decade or more before I spoke about it. I'm disabled. I'm wounded, and broken in the place I use the most. It's not noticeable, and some of my close friends don't even know about it, but it's the truth. I have a Master's degree in English, and have a full time job teaching English to those who need the help more than I did when I was where they are. I'm accomplished, and I've never hidden my difficulties, though almost no one knows how long each shitty paper takes me to read, and mark for improvement. None of you know how much proofreading goes into a simple Facebook post, knowing that because of my occupation, I'll have no mercy, and yet, because of my disability it takes me much more to simply make legible communication out of the simplest of comments. I agonize over commas, and I don't always get it right. Long ago I made a deal to allow me to have a vocation and employment in this world, and it's been painful. Tonight was, and I'm pausing here to weigh the actual impact, well, more than I was aware of. Tonight I read four chapters in a book I wanted to read, like most of you would. It took me hours, but it was worth the time and effort. My beloved could run through what I have done like a gazelle, and most people would do it without thought. For me it was hours of doing, though not quite work.

Robert Bly once said that one's greatest wisdom lies in one's greatest wound. For me this is reading, and the use of language. While most can glance and see meaning, for me it's more of a challenge. I think this is part of the recent difficulties I've had with the changes to my work's requirements. I'll get into this more in the future, I hope, but for the now I've done something good, and common, and I did it like anyone with an able brain could do. I read for joy, and unlike the hundreds of books I've "read" on audio, I did this with my eyes, and with print. It still sounds like self aggrandizing. Even writing this missive feels like too much self satisfaction. Still, I'm doing something simple, and difficult, and joyful.
27 August 2014 @ 12:57 am
Meyer. He’s been beneath my gaze for years, perhaps decades. A brief conversation by two people whose scholarly skills I admire brought his work to my attention. A friend reproduced one of his plates for my Alce scroll, and while the art was beautiful, the position in that one plate dissuaded my study. I didn’t know him at the time, but I dismissed him in favor of the Italians. This is a mistake, I will try not to make again.

One of his plates details two swordsmen in close contact. Each flat to flat; each looking for the flinch to move to second and kill. Meyer seems, at this introductory point in my study, to favor a forward committed stance, and one that would require a passé, or a resetting of the stance to finalize the move. A re-commitment (or reconnection) would make clear the intent and cause the opponent to end the strike. No chance there. A passé is the only move in play. My passé is quite good, can I count on it?

This kind of move is one my my favorites, based probably on my own fear of commitment, and weaknesses. Maybe I always need a lateral way out. No second chances with that kind of move, it is full commitment with only three outcomes. Either I thrust in second before the opposition, strike at the chest, and strike a kill (this I know I can do) or my opponent senses my motion, redoubles his third, then strikes to parry my thrust (in which case, I’m vulnerable) or takes a half step in retreat and rises for a thrust to the face, or the opponent withdraws completely, and resets. With a complete withdrawal, I can recover. At least I think I can. In each case, the one to commit first has control and the advantage. All of this requires that I move first which means that time, and nerve is my true enemy, and thereby my strength.
There's only one of me here. I'm not going to be able to take care of all of your concerns.

Did you want me to hold your hand while you peed as well?

OK, so I'm ending my Pennsic trip two days early, so that I can attend a meeting where you will make my job unnecessarily complex, and make our retention rates drop. Do you guys remember what the term "bad practice" means? Do you know what "job satisfaction" means? Just so we understand each other, you can't replace me. I can replace you... once someone local starts hiring.

I think I made your job more complex. I'm sorry.

And this is why I get annoyed when you don't take care of yourself.

OK, you don't want to be right there, right now.

Don't stand so close to me. No, seriously. And while I appreciate the gesture, panties are still mandatory in my classroom.

You are not mandatory in my classroom. These last few days when you did not show up have been very productive.

Please understand something, dude. This is very, very important. I call your wife beautiful, and she believes me. You call her fat, and she believes you. You are not being a good husband, but you have nothing to fear from me. Your wife, on the other hand, may have better things to do.

I can't explain how tired I am of your hypocrisy. If all you've said is true, then I'm not the one going to hell.

If I have to explain that kids deserve better than this, then you have real problems.
24 March 2014 @ 11:03 pm
I was just re-reading my sparse posts from the last half a year, and I wanted to say a public thank you to everyone who helped me, or just offered love when I needed it. You were great. Sometimes just a short note that said you were there was more powerful than anything else. I'll try to remember that and pay back the debt when I can. I'm not worthy of those who love me, but I'll reach for it. I'm very grateful.
OK, just one week....in my life....this year...without something bad, or stupid, happening would be brilliant. Seriously, just one; not asking for much here. Just one, and maybe a preview of Peter Capaldi's work on Dr Who, that would be very cool. But, That's it. That's all I'm asking of you, so... just think about it... OK?
17 February 2014 @ 12:47 pm
I'm starting to really think that I've been way too patient with people. I think there comes a point where being nice stops being a good idea.